


Something I Can Never Have

by Nichya



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Blood, Brother/Sister Incest, Codependency, Consensual Violence, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Guilt, Mental Instability, Mildly Dubious Consent, PTSD, Past Child Abuse, Rough Sex, Shame, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Zucest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nichya/pseuds/Nichya
Summary: Inspired by the song of the same name by Nine Inch Nails.In this fic, Ozai was a physically abusive father to both Azula and Zuko, and it will be brought up many times, so skip this one if that's triggering for you. Also, Azula dissociates/hallucinates during a specific point, making her consent at least somewhat questionable.
Relationships: Azula/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 53





	Something I Can Never Have

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song of the same name by Nine Inch Nails.
> 
> In this fic, Ozai was a physically abusive father to both Azula and Zuko, and it will be brought up many times, so skip this one if that's triggering for you. Also, Azula dissociates/hallucinates during a specific point, making her consent at least somewhat questionable.

Azula kept waiting to hear an all too familiar sound coming from the wall. To see her brother opening up the secret entrance to the passage that connected their rooms. When they were kids, they'd use it to go play with each other past their bed-time without having to risk bumping into a guard in the hall. As they grew up, it became nothing but a relic of their childhood, a secret neither of them could ever remembering telling anyone about.

Now it allowed Zuko to visit her at night without raising suspicion. 

And visit her he did. Nearly every night. First it was just to check on her, soothe her. Then, as he learned of everything that happened to her, it slowly turned into a strange therapy where they were both patient and doctor. 

The scar on Zuko's face had not been their father's first act of cruelty towards either of them, but it had been first one he had done publicly. Azula was usually able to avoid Ozai's wrath, but she had fallen victim to it more than enough times to understand the pattern, and Zuko had confirmed it all on the sleepless nights they had spent trying to find out just how much of that particular nightmare the other had experienced too.

He'd never hit them in the face, but their arms, backs, and stomachs would be covered in bruises, and, every now and again, a few small burns that would heal with just a little time. It was painful and humiliating, specially because they had to hide it - neither of them had never been foolish enough to believe anyone would tell the Fire Lord how to raise his children. They had to ignore the pain and go about their day, even practice their firebending when every movement hurt, acting as if nothing was wrong, because weakness was the one thing their father hated more than being challenged. They were his heirs, so they had to look and act strong and powerful every second of the day.

But the worst part was the waiting. Ozai would let days go by before striking, letting them lose their minds, terrified of the inevitable punishment for whatever mistake they had made. 

Her brother's scarring and banishment had been the beginning of a few peaceful months for Azula, since Zuko had a habit of making their father much angrier than she ever had, and he'd leave her alone for a while. Not being the child who embarrassed him in front of his men made Azula look perfect in her father's eyes for a while. Back then, she had felt proud of herself for showing her ruthlessness and strength to Ozai, celebrating her brother's disgrace. Now she felt ashamed of turning her back on him when he had needed her the most.

Finally, she heard her brother opening up the secret passage, then saw his pitiful demeanor as he walked into her room. Everything, from the expression on his face to the way he carried himself, was off. He never bothered putting on the act of 'powerful Fire Lord' with her, for he knew she could see right through it. Unlike their mother, his friends, and all the doctors that were constantly rambling on about how great his recovery had been, and how his change of heart should inspire her.

Their eyes met and the world seemed to stop for a moment. Slowly, he walked towards her, and it seemed like every step he took could be the one to bring him to his knees. Azula got out of her bed and embraced him. She didn't need to ask to know something had happened and brought back either traumatic memories or the emotions he had felt when said memories took place. She let him fall apart in her arms for a moment, and then look for the only comfort they could ever give each other.

He brought his lips to her's, and his hands gripped her arms tightly, as if he was afraid she might try to flee. Azula kissed back, trying to offer him the warmth and affection he craved at that moment.

Zuko pulled away to undress her, letting her robe fall to her feet and exposing her nude body to him, as well as the purple spots that tainted the pale skin of her breasts, stomach and thighs. Azula felt proud of these marks, because they were a symbol of the one good thing she still had in her life, but her brother looked ashamed. Still, he didn't move away.

As he took of his robe, Azula could see all the bruises and scratch marks on his arms and torso - the evidence of her need for him. She had _desired_ him before, but now all of her actions were controlled by need and fear. A need of being understood, of being protected, of not having to keep pretending to be strong all the time. Fear of being alone, of losing the one person who still cared for her - in his own twisted way, that matched her's so well. 

Her brother took her to the bed, kissing her gently, his hands caressing her delicate skin. It always started out sweetly, but it never took too long for them to use each other as a way to let go of all their frustrations, and fears. And of their violent rage. Soothing that desire to be in control again - of being so close to danger, and yet also feeling safer than they had ever been their whole lives.

The kiss became more and more heated as their tongues played and sparred with each other. Zuko had always kissed her like a desperate man, wanting to consume the woman lying underneath him, and it made Azula's blood boil. 

His touches were now much more forceful, fondling, pinching, groping and slapping her flesh while they made out. As he brought a hand to her sex, teasing her clit and then penetrating her with his fingers, Azula moaned against his mouth, running her nails through his back, giving him a taste of what was to come. Zuko broke the kiss and started marking the skin of her neck and collarbone with his teeth as he licked and bit her.

Azula kept moaning as Zuko moved his fingers faster, reaching as deep as he could, hooking them inside of her, and twisting his hand every now and again. After a while he began using his thumb to stimulate her clit, just as he inserted a third finger. He sucked on one of her breasts and groped the other, teasing all of her sensitive spots. Azula screamed as her brother bite down hard on her nipple, making it bleed, and forcing a fourth finger inside of her. She grabbed the sheets, as she reached her climax.

Her eyes met his, and she could see his lust struggling against his guilt "It's okay, Zuzu" Azula whispered to him.

"No. It's not" he sounded so defeated - completely different from the strong, confident Fire Lord their nation had grown to love.

Without another word, Zuko buried himself inside of her, moaning in pleasure. 

"Forget about it, Zuzu" she said as she kissed his cheek "Forget who you are. Forget who you think you should be. Just forget about everything, none of it matters now" Azula moved her hips, meeting him thrust for thrust, letting the pleasure fill her mind again and offer her a temporary escape of what her life had turned into "Just stay here with me"

"I need you" she said - or perhaps it had been him.

Every sensation seemed to somehow be heightened, but her understanding of what was happening was slowly slipping away. Azula could feel her brother moving inside of her, her nails digging at his skin, his lips grazing over her's, but she couldn't control her actions. She heard his voice, but wasn't able to recognize any of the words he was saying. She could still see him, despite being pretty sure her eyes were closed.

_You're all i have left,_ she knew she had only imagined hearing that, but she couldn't say if she had imagined it in her voice or Zuko's. She supposed that detail wasn't important either way.

_You two are pathetic. You deserve each other,_ their father's voice echoed in her head before fading away just like he had. 

Azula felt both pain and pleasure, but was unable to determine what exactly was causing either of the two, or where she ended and Zuko begun. She could feel her brother's heart beating right next to her's and the warmth of his body soothed her. She didn't want it to stop, she didn't want to be separated from him.

Still, she suddenly felt him pulling away, breaking the spell, making her feel empty and cold.

_Make it stop. Don't leave me here alone,_ she wanted to say, but the words didn't come out.

"Azula... Azula, can you hear me?" he asked as he shook her gently, forcefully bringing her back to reality.

She realized she had been crying, and as she wiped away her tears she saw blood on her nails - she had already marked her brother. Everything seemed to be moving too fast, and it took a few moments for her to fully come back to her senses and feel comfortable in her own skin.

"I'm sorry" Zuko whispered to her as he would often do, though Azula was never quite sure what he was apologizing for. She quite liked it when her mind could no longer differentiate her from her brother. It was the one situation in which she didn't resent her insanity, but Zuko never allowed her to indulge too much. The second he'd realize she wasn't fully aware of what she was doing to him, or of what he was doing to her, he would stop, no matter how many times she told him she wanted him to just let it happen.

There were tears on his eyes, and his shame and regret were evident on his face.

_Not you too._

Every doctor, guard, servant and even Zuko's friends seemed to believe she was beyond help. They never said it to her face, but she could see it written all over their faces, and hear it in every word they said to her. Her nightmares, hallucinations and random urges to either cry or burn down everything in sight only made it worse. Zuko was the only one who seemed to remember that she was still a person instead of just a tragic lost cause.

"Don't look at me like that" she reprimanded him "Don't look at me like i'm a broken thing worthy of pity." 

She pulled him close to her again and made him lie down. Zuko flinched as his back were forced against the bed, but didn't object as Azula brought herself down on his cock, moaning just like she did.

"There's a reason i let you do whatever you wish to me. Being with you is the only thing that makes it all stop" she said before kissing him desperately. Her brother didn't resist.

He held onto her hips as she rode him, and she could hear a cry of pain every now and again as she'd dig her nails into his chest, right on the scar above his heart - the scar she had given him. The immense joy she felt of being a permanent part of him scared her sometimes, but she avoided thinking about it, since there was nothing she could do. And she was sure that at least some piece of her brother's soul was glad about it too.

Azula screamed and grabbed the headboard as her brother brought her to orgasm, and despite the burning sensation in between her legs, she kept riding him until she felt him spill himself inside of her.

She lied next to him, the momentary satisfaction quickly fading away. The pain wasn't as intense, but it was still very much alive inside her mind. Judging by Zuko's face, he also needed more than just these forbidden encounters to make him heal once and for all. But true closure and happiness was something neither of them could offer each other.

_Someday it will be enough,_ Azula told herself as she drifted away, safe in her lover's arms.


End file.
